Will You still love me?

She sat on the floor in her darkened room, broken and grieved, feeble and unspeaking. She could hear voices in the living room, her family chatting and laughing together, joy in their hearts. She didn’t want to join them. She wanted to withdraw herself, to be alone. Yet at the same time, she also wanted to cease this feeling of loneliness inside her; she wanted people to be around her, to comfort her, to understand that she was in depression.

Depression was an old enemy, a fiend who would haunt her with negative thoughts, pulling her down… down… down… There was no reason or explanation to justify why it was here, dominating over her, or why there was so much unanswered questions in her mind. But she knew it well, this pain inside her. She has come to the point where she has no strength left to resist it, no will to fight against it.

Tears rolled down her cheek as she thought about her life – full of rejection, hurts, failure, emotional setbacks, unloved… Why do they keep coming back? Haven’t all these been taken away when she believed in Jesus? Haven’t it been put to a stop? Why doesn’t she have joy?

She cried silently. She didn’t want her family to hear her sobs. But she knew her tears will not soothe her heart or bring the peace that she longed for. She knew deep down that she couldn’t allow herself to be pulled any lower, but how to let out the pain inside of her?

She drew out the blade from the box of stationeries, and her heart sank ever so low as she stared at the sharp edges of the blade. Fear rushed over her. She knew that she had warned herself against it time and time again, and even now. But the pain in her heart was so compelling…

Don’t do it. She told herself mentally. Don’t do it, Clare. Just don’t do it. DON’T!

But she couldn’t. Her hands wouldn’t obey. She gripped the blade tightly in her left hand and placed it lightly on the smooth skin of her right inner forearm. She didn’t want to die; that was not the point. She knew this feeling, depression, and she just wanted to channel it out. If only she could hurt herself physically to siphon out the pain from inside… If only it would help...

Clare closed her eyes and she knew that God was watching her. Don’t do it, Clare… But the fiend that overpowered her: It’ll be quick. This is what you wanted. Satisfy me.

Her left palm was sweating, making her grip slippery. It'll be quick. You've done it before. Let it be quick. Quick!

She pressed the sharp edge of the blade into her skin, but she knew not to do it too deep. She didn't want to die, but she didn't want to be in deep physical pain either. The blade drew a thin one-inched long cut across her pale skin. It wasn't deep; blood was barely visible.

And she pressed it down into her skin again a second time, a little stronger this time... Deeper! Quicker! The fiend was instructing her.

And a third time, faster stroke with more force. A deeper cut. The blood surfaced, but not much. Yet the pain was there. Deeper! Quicker! It demanded.

The fourth, she deliberately stabbed her skin and slashed the blade across it rapidly to give it a satisfying cut. Immediately, her inner forearm was crimson with blood, and the fiend in her savoured every moment of pain...

She broke down in tears again, holding her bleeding right forearm with her left hand, leaning on the edge of her bed. That emotional pain was still there, perhaps even more intense than before she had cut herself. Her heart was in excruciating pain.

She knew that there was only one way, but she has sealed it with the blade. She knew that only God could save and deliver her from this suffering, but she has rejected it, and she has no right to ask of it now. She knew that only God's love could heal her of this pain, but she was unworthy and an ugly sinner.

The moon cast a strip of silver light through the window onto the floor where she knelt. The night was cool and silent, broken only by her sobs. She gazed up to the starless black sky through the window. I have fallen short of Your glory...

She took a glance at her right arm, where the crimson stains were still glowing and in pain. Now I have done this... Lord, I have done this. I don't love myself anymore. Do You still love me? Will You still love me? Now, will You come and heal me? And would You hear my selfish desires? Do you hear me? Jesus... Jesus!

Clare did not know how long she was on the floor, crying and sobbing until she barely had strength left to climb into bed. She did not know how she fell asleep, but she woke up to a day that she didn't want to face for the first time.

"Clare, we'll be late for church!" her mum called outside her room.

"Ok. I'm up," she called back, remembering that it was Sunday, and there was no escape, no excuse to say that she won't turn up.

How on earth am I going to do this? Me? Going to church like this? She asked herself as she gently washed away the dried blood over her wound. The slashes on her arm singed as the cold water ran over it. She forced herself not to think.

She quickly got dressed and they got to church. As the praise celebration started with worship, she reminded herself mentally not to raise her hands too high, or people might see her scars. What if they do see it? What would they say? The fiend said, luring her to crave for attention. Clare tried hard to tug the thought away. Keep your hand low, Clare.

The worship ended and the pastor went up for the word as they settled comfortably on their chairs. Clare was thankful that she was sitting alone. She glanced at her right arm.

"Great grace of God," said the pastor. "is the title of today's message," he looked around the church hall. "Let's say together, 'grace'." The congregation echoed "Grace!"

She stared at the notes on her lap and the intense, excruciating pain struck her heart all over again.

"The Apostle Paul prayed for the church in Ephesus that 'Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God'," he preached.

"How will you be filled with the fullness of God? It's by comprehending and having understanding of Jesus' great love for you."

And tears started to well up in Clare's eyes. She bowed her head so that her hair covered her face. She suddenly realised that she did not understand the love of Christ for her.

"Thank God that He didn't say He loves you, because you are qualified, or you are worthy, or you are with high position in the society. He didn't say, 'Oh, you've won many souls, therefore I love you more.' Nor did He say, 'Oh, you are smarter, more beautiful or holier, therefore I love you more'.

"No! God loves you, even when you are yet a sinner, even when you think you are unworthy, even when you are imperfect. He. Just. Loves. You!" he emphasised.

At this point, she couldn't stop the rivers of tears that flowed. Oh, stop. Stop! She wailed silently to herself. It's not even half the sermon.

"And if you would understand the width and length and depth and height of the love of Jesus Christ, the Lord said you will be filled with the fullness of God -- that means, you will be empowered in your life. That means, you will experience the abundance of God in all sense, all areas of your life!

"The fullness of God is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. The fullness of God is great power and --"

But Clare didn't know what else did the pastor was preached, for she was already trembling uncontrollably from crying so hard and trying to keep back her sobs.

She was loved, now she knew, certain as the sun that rises in the east. She was not unloved. She was deeply loved, treasured more than precious jewels, valued above gold and silver. She was the apple of God's eye.

Clare, I will still love you. whispered the still, gentle, small voice in her. I still love you, like no one else, like no other on this earth. I love you.

And she knew that Jesus was hugging her, embracing her tightly, giving her the courage to stand up again, to fight the victorious battle against the fiend.

Lord, I need you. Clare said. Come, Lord Jesus.

Graduates Seminar

I remember the time when I was going to graduate in about 3 months' time, I was pretty nervous and unsure of what I was going to do. Even though I knew by God's grace and help, I have obtained a good qualification that enables me to soar to great heights, I didn't know where I was heading to. The future felt pretty scary with a lot of uncertainties.

And it was at that time that I thought to myself, how nice it would be if we could have a Graduates Seminar at church. People will learn more about the working world, how is working life different from student life, the dos and don'ts for interview, how to choose the right job by the guidance of God, etc etc.

But most of all, it would guide people to know the love of Jesus Christ and how He loves to bless us in all areas of our lives, including in our working life.

Praise the Lord, by His grace and strength, I am organiser for the Graduates Seminar 2009!

Honestly, there's only one statement that could summarise my part in this event: I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Phil 4:13)

My hopes and dreams: that people would receive useful tips and guidance on finding the right job; have a clear understanding about how the working world is; receive overflowing blessings from the Lord by trusting Him; experience financial liberty in times of economic crisis as we trust in Him.

Come join us!

Date: 11 March 2009 (Wednesday)

Time: 8 p.m.

Venue: World Harvest Church (Wangsa Maju, KL)

Admission is free, refreshment are served.

Remember to bring your friends :)

Don't worry!

I went for an evangelistic concert by a Hong Kong pastor early this month. His name is Ps. Enoch Lam, and he is super hilarious, yet convincing in all his points. God bless him.

At one point of his preaching, he shared with us about his experience when he was having a trip in Canada. Being used to the very fast paced Hong Kong lifestyle, it was uncomfortable for him while he was in Canada.

He said, in Hong Kong everything is about speed. Putting it in the Malaysian scenario of a parent and child would probably sound like this: faster go and sleep; faster wake up; faster do your homework; faster come and have dinner; faster go and take bath... FASTER!!! And when you are at the traffic light junction, the moment it turns green the cars will start honking.

But in Canada everything is slow! And he emphasized it: slooooow... Why? He said it's because the people there have little to do and have no concern about anything. They have all the time in the world and could afford to go on a 4 hour drive just to see maples. That's like going to KL just to see the Twin Towers and come back to Ipoh. And the service at coffee shops are so slow that he said they would be bankrupted if it was in Hong Kong.

In another incident, he was going to catch a flight and was late to reach the airport. So he goes to check in at the counter and pesters the person to check him in quick. And he goes, "Faster please, my flight number is xxxxxx." points to his watch, "Faster please." But the officer said to him, "Don't worry!" (high pitched and in a rather sing-song way) points to the bunch of people standing behind the pastor, "they are all with the same flight number as you." It took him a long while to get checked in and go on board. He hurried to his seat and settled down quickly, but then the air stewardess announced, "Don't worry!" (also high pitched and in a rather sing-song way) "Delay!"

Revelation: sometimes we keep wishing things would go on a faster pace -- shorter queues, let it be quickly my turn to pay, drive faster and no traffic jam, faster finish my work so I can go home early... the list is never-ending. But the faster you wished it would go, the slower it would: long queues, hold ups at the cashier, traffic jams, last minute assignments, DELAY!

Nowadays we don't have the patience to wait for anything. Everything has to be fast, but that's how we end up choosing the lesser things. We can't wait, so we go for fast food, instant noodles, faster services are better, faster workers are more efficient; so we suffer from diseases related with bad eating habits, shorter tempers, shorter attention span, less effective workers -- we have no patience.

I'm at a period of time where I'm experiencing having to wait for almost everything, literally. Wait for the LRT, wait for the people to go in quickly so I can have a space to squeeze in, wait for the bus to come, wait for the newspaper to come, wait for parking, wait in the traffic jam, wait for my seat at the restaurant, wait for my turn to order food, wait for my food to come, wait in the queue to pay... And on the spiritual areas of my life: wait for God's promises to come to pass, wait for prophecies to be fulfilled, wait for the right person to come along, wait for God's guidance in career advancement... There's so much waiting involved that whenever this happens I keep thinking about this 'revelation' from Ps. Enoch, and I understood that God is training me.

He's saying, "Don't worry! (high pitched and in a rather sing-song way, I imagine) Just wait, it'll come", "Don't worry! DELAY!", "Don't worry! Just trust in Me." James 1:3-4 says "Knowing that the tesing of your faith produces patience, but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect (mature) and complete, lacking nothing."

And again, Jesus said in Matthew 6:25-34 "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you."

Jesus said 'don't worry' three times in this part of the Sermon on the Mount. And just like the reason why He also always says to us "don't be afraid", "do not fear", we also need to add "don't worry" to the list of thou-shall-not's. Sometimes we don't know how not to worry when we have so many things at hand every day. In fact, we worry about almost everything, from real concerns to things that actually would never happen!

Jesus offers us the solution:
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest."

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

John 14:1 "Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me."

God, I believe in You. Sometimes I really don't know what I should do or how my future will unfold, but I trust in You. I trust in Your Word. I'm holding on to You; I'm never letting go. Because You've not and will never let go of me.

神是爱

（第一次写华语的部落，希望还可以吧。。）

看了一篇朋友写的部落，很有意思，很感动。其实不是不知道她所写到圣经里的精句，只是我从来没有联想到原来是可以酱的。。。。。。

约翰一书4 章16节说道： 神爱我们的心，我们也知道也信。神就是爱。住在爱里面的，就是住在神里面，神也住在他里面。

神就是爱。很简单的四个字，可是意义涵盖实在是太深、太美妙了，有时甚至是接受不了。怎么可能神那么大，那么圣洁，那么正义，但却也同时那么地爱我们这班渺小、恶行、不义的人们，赐给我们祂的一切，让我们得着永生？怎么可能让一位君王为了救赎百姓而受死？然而，祂就是如此地爱我们，神要住在我们里面。

哥林多前书 13章4 - 8节续说： 爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈。爱是不嫉妒。爱是不自夸。不张狂。不作害羞的事。不求自己的益处。不轻易发怒。不计算人的恶。不喜欢不义。只喜欢真理。凡事包容。凡事相信。凡事盼望。凡事忍耐。爱是永不止息。13节： 如今常存的有信，有望，有爱，这三样，其中最大的是爱。

如果说神是爱，那么把 “神”字代替“爱”就会变成： 神是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈。神是不嫉妒。神是不自夸。（神）不张狂。（神）不作害羞的事。（神）不求自己的益处。（神）不轻易发怒。（神）不计算人的恶。（神）不喜欢不义。（神）只喜欢真理。（神）凡事包容。（神）凡事相信。（神）凡事盼望。（神）凡事忍耐。神是永不止息。13节： 如今常存的有信，有望，有爱（神），这三样，其中最大的是神。

感谢主，当我们有缺陷的时候，神仍然是爱，不计算人的恶。祂虽然不喜欢不义，但祂还是包容我们、相信我们和盼望我们能返到祂的面前，能再次成为祂的喜悦。神是永不止息，祂不会缺乏权威和力量，祂不会失败。

神是爱。从一开始已经是爱你了。打从你我都还没出世时祂也已经爱你了。到天荒地老祂的爱也不会变质，不会熄灭。

朋友，如果你在看这一篇，不要犹豫，不要质疑祂的爱。约翰 3章16 节说： “神爱世人，甚至将祂的独生子，赐给他们，叫一切信祂的，不至灭亡，反得永生。” 约翰一书也说： “神差他独生子到世间来，使我们借着他得生，神爱我们的心，在此就显明了。”

让祂的爱充满你的心吧。邀请祂进入你的心吧。透过以下祷告你就可接受祂的爱了：

上帝啊，我需要袮。我承认我是一个罪人，我现在愿意打开心门接受耶稣，作我的救主和生命的主。感谢袮为我的罪受死，并从死里复活，赦免了我的罪。求袮引领我一生，掌管我的生命。奉主耶稣的名祷告，阿门。

耶稣爱你。

Blessed 2009

It's been another year, a year of great and awesome blessings if you choose to look at the good things that had happened and give thanks to the Lord; but it was also a year of ups and downs, challenges and difficult times. Praise God, I'm still right here, at where I am, whole and well, more blessed than a lot of people in the world. Hallelujah!

Someone once said a statement that took me quite a while to fully understand and agree with it, but I finally did. It was about Fact and Truth. Both can be true, 100%, without bias, but it's what you choose to believe and put your faith on that really matters.

The FACT is, the economy is bad. Market is slow and dwindling downwards. Recession hits the shore and will be more evident than ever in less than 3 months' time. Job security wavers. Money shrinks and devalues. This will eventually lead to social instability.

But the TRUTH is, God's promises are real and will never be slow to materialise. He is the Provider and is unlimited. In Him there is no lack, no poverty. In Him there is security and peace. He is in control.

Hence, I will rejoice. Bless the Lord, O my soul, bless His holy name! Because of His faithfulness and loving kindness. Because He gives a promise and He remembers it. And simply because He is God.

It has been a year of learning, of struggling, of humbling, equipping, waiting... It has been a year full of transitions and of letting go to acquire the new. It has been a year that challenges for commitment and decisions made from the heart. I've not seen another rainbow, though for the past months I have been silently praying in my heart that God would show it again. When the going gets tough and I really just want to give it all up, doubt sets in and faith doesn't rise up, His grace is sufficient for me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness. His promise is the same, and I want to remember it, I want to know that it is a surety of His goodness, and I believe that He is the Beginner and Finisher of my faith. He has begun this good work in me, and He shall bring it to completion.

I'm moving into a new phase, a new stage of development. I can feel it in my spirit that I'm in for something great that the Lord would enable me to do it. But I've got to take the first step of forgetting the old to acquire the new. Isaiah 43:18 -19 says: "Do not remember the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

And after putting away the old, this is what Apostle Paul urged us to do in Philippians 3:13-15 "Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Therefore let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you."

Year 2009 shall be a year of action, not stagnation. It shall be a year of looking unto Jesus, who beckons us to step out of the boat into the storm to where He stands with open arms, ready to embrace us as we trust Him to walk on raging seas. It shall be a year of rejoicing in the Lord, praying unceasingly and giving thanks to Him with supplication. May His peace that surpasses all understanding guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus, as we brace ourselves to face it all.

So come what may, I have Jesus!

Christmas!

It's the season of giving, loving and caring! It's the season of bringing in those who do not know what Christmas is all about. If you fall into this category, this piece is for you.

But first, what Christmas is NOT about:

It's not about Santa Claus and reindeers or Christmas trees and socks over the fireplace or turkey dinner and ginger breadman or jingle bells and snowman, and the list goes on.

It's not about spending time with family, although it's a good time to do so because of the holidays.

It's not about going church to sing carols, if you don't know the meanings of the songs.

There's no magic about Christmas.

What then? Christmas is not about all these things that the media has been showing us? Yea, that's right. If the word itself says anything, Christmas is about Christ -- Jesus' birth to this earth and its significance.

Personally, I have never been fascinated much by the manner of Jesus' birth besides that the angel announced it to shepherd and they came to worship Him at the manger. But on what it really means to have Christ born for us, born to die -- I feel that has more stories to tell, more real stories and more essence than a fat old man name Santa.

It's the story of stories. It's a triumphant story: the bad guy supposedly won but it was the good guy ultimately. It's a story of ultimate sacrifice: an innocent Child born of a virgin with the purpose of dying for the world. It's a story of suspense: Jesus was crucified when He was at the height of His ministry and for a moment it seemed that all hope was lost -- but no, He came back to life. It's the story of grace: unworthy sinners given pardon and redemption with the coming of the Saviour of the world.

It's a story for you and me, a story that everyone is in, and everyone is the main character. It's a story of love: For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life. This was what He was born to do, that anyone who believes in Him will not be eternally separated from God, but that he will be living this life to the fullest, having an intimate relationship with God, and to be with Him forever in heaven.

And so, this was what our Christmas celebration is about. Praise God, though we have little time to prepare, it was great! We had our celebration at KL International Hotel this year. It all went well: Pre-event outside the hall, song presentations, Deborah and Bong Yang shared testimonies of their life, skit performance, sharing... We had a good time, although some parts were a bit messed up. We had a large crowd with different nationalities. Our friends were supportive and happy at the end. And a friend of mine said she is now certain of the love of Christ and wants to receive Him as Saviour. Hallelujah! Seeds are sown, weeds are thrown!

Right or Easy?

Life. There's just so many definitions that you can give it, so many things to be compared to, so much that has been said to describe it, but I think there's none that truly fully covers it all.

I like the one that says it's choices that leads to various different consequences and outcomes that you won't know or see until you're there. From Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" to Tolkien's "And wither then? I cannot say" in Lord of the Rings... I like it not because it's an easily agreeable truth, but rather it is a truth that needs courage to understand and embrace. It's not a beautiful truth, but it's not a sad one either. It doesn't carry any amount of emotion unless you allow it to.

There's a quote by Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire that always struck me as having deep meanings and it takes one to experience it to really understand. He said during the end-of-year banquet in the wake of Cedric Diggory's death, "Remember Cedric. Remember, if the time should come when you have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy, remember what happened to a boy who was good, and kind, and brave, because he strayed across the path of Lord Voldemort. Remember Cedric Diggory."

We don't often hear this. It's always been said, this is right, that is wrong; do what is right, refrain from the wrong. But there is the grey area -- there's the time when you will have to make a choice between what is right and what is easy. And wither then? What outcome would it bring? Bilbo said he couldn't say, neither can I, or would know, until the choice is made.

I think it happens most when we are faced with a challenge -- it's easy to just give up, to just run away and don't care, but we know deep down in our hearts that that would mean leaving our responsibilities, perhaps even to the extent of disobeying God. When we want so much to fight back because of mistreatment from others, when we really think it's disadvantageous to us and we ought to stand up and defend ourselves -- that's when God wants us to shut up (to put it very bluntly).

Is it easy to just shut up and say "I forgive"? We know the answer. Is it easy to spread gossips and hurl hurtful words to defend ourselves? We also know the answer. But it's a CHOICE. And I think the factor that lead us to decide what to choose, ultimately, is God's LOVE. Not because we love, but He first loved us.

It takes a lifetime to learn to make the right choices, until the right choices are also easy ones. It takes a lifetime to follow the Holy Spirit.

Reading & Writing

I suddenly realised just how little I have blogged this month! Gosh, and it's already month end!

Oh yes, blame it on work...

Hope this will be a short one, because it's already very late as it is.

Well, despite the heavy workload I'm assigned this month and for the coming few months, I think it's a matter of need rather than of leisure that I went for some reading. Those who know me and know what I mean will understand this involves hours of slowing bankrupting a bookstore. Or maybe not. In any case, that's what I do when I'm feeling that I need to escape...

As a result, I actually finished another fantasy book in 3 sittings. That's quite fast considering the length and hours I took, although I remember I used to finish the book in a sitting of roughly 4 -5 hours. But yea, that's a bit crazy, I would admit.

I think anyone would agree that I've long past the age of reading children literature, especially fantasy genre, but I figured that I still do because I'm quite a slow learner. I only began to pick up English when I was 14, so I used up most of my teens to discover children's novels. Erm, still discovering... Of course, I have read some solid stuff like Agatha Christie, Christian books, etc, but I still find an attraction to children's fiction. It gives one room to imagine and be in the books, and it leaves me to wish that I could write as good.

Overtime, I learned not to overdo "being in the books". I know that's pretty serious for your mind to wander off like that. But I also always have that dream and ambition that I could write like the authors I love, only that the stories would bear the imprints of God -- and that's not easy. There's tonnes of books out there writing about absolute rubbish, but it's high time people should know what to chew and what to puke at.

So I shall consult the Holy Spirit and go to bed now. What a piece! :)

Parting to a New Beginning

This one is for Pr. Kenneth & Pr. Sharon and their cute little daughter Sophia.

When I first got the news about their leave, I could tell that this was something different. I felt it in my heart, although the sadness and feelings of having to part was also present. Yet, there was an assurance that came along, a peace that says, "this is good".

In Ecclesiastes it says to everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Of course, it could be something easier said than to accept. It's quite easy for one to use it as an excuse, but to really say it with the conviction of the Holy Spirit and knowing so deeply in the heart that this is the truth that is set upon them -- there is no denying the purpose of God that comes directly from Him, and with it comes assurance and peace.

This is a difficult piece to write, because there's just so much thoughts to it, so much to convey yet with so little words to describe...

Roman 8:28 is always quoted as a favourite verse when we acknowledge the Lord's goodness though we may not fully understand His plans. But at this moment, I think I shall quote Isaiah 54:2-3 instead:

2 Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes.
3 For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited.

I believe God is really expanding us and speeding up the process of expansion so quickly that we've just got to avail ourselves for Him to fulfil His purpose. There's no delaying, no doubting, only total trust, total surrender.

It says, "do not spare". Do not spare what? Do not spare everything that you have. That includes yourself. Aren't we good at sparing ourselves from trouble or work? Oh, please spare me from the chores, I have exams coming. I'm a spare in the team; only if the guy injures I will play. Spare tyres are only used in emergencies. Spare parts only come in handy when the originals are spoiled. But NO! God says, DO NOT SPARE. That means, don't spare the ones that are the best, nor the ones that are not so good. Don't reserve anything.

Dear Pr. Kenneth & Pr. Sharon, this is my prayer for you:

Father God, they have not spared anything from You, because they know that You have not spared Your only begotten son for us. They have laid down, and they are ready to labour for Your Kingdom. So Lord I pray that every blessing and anointing and need that they have, it shall be poured out to them. Every journey that they walk, may they be upright in Your will and purpose, that Your glory will come as is promised.

Lord, we don't know and may not understand where You are leading us, even as a whole church, but God, we do know that we are not lost, but in Your divine purpose and destiny. Lord, I pray that as they will build Your church in Penang, let the souls pour in and the darkness be reduced to nothingness. God, You know the significance and every landmark of the state. We pray that Your sovereign hand will take charge and that it will turn this nation as You have willed.

God, as You have made us to be more than conquerors, please make Pr. Kenneth and Pr. Sharon victors to triumph over every challenge. Bless them Lord in all things. We are parting, but we know that in You we will always be united. This is not the end, but the beginning, for both World Harvest, and for this family. I pray that Your angels will be their guide and shield, take charge over them.

God, You are good. May all the goodness and greatness that You have intended for them and for us be so evident. We thank You for all that You've done and all that will come. In Jesus' mighty name, AMEN!

Bye, Pastors, but we shall surely meet again. I have never thought that great joy and sadness could be felt at the same time, but now I have experienced it and know that only God could place this unique emotion in me. I will always remember our first meeting and every word that you have imparted and spoken over my life.

You will always be in our hearts. Take care. We love you.

Apostolic Program Intake 11

It's been almost 1.5 weeks since the Apostolic Program Intake 11 ended. Sitting here typing this, I actually don't know what to write, because it's just too huge and awesome to actually have any words that are fitting to describe the Lord's greatness...

Y08's AP is somewhat different from the previous 10 intakes; it just felt different. And though I believe everyone, both participants and church members, had experienced God and received many great things from Him, I felt that the manifestation of the presence of God was just different. It felt like 2 weeks was just too short for Him to have fully shown Himself to us, like there were so many things yet to be released, like there was something else that He wanted to do. I wished it could go on for another 2 weeks, or just go on and on and that none of us would have to worry about time, our career, ministry back in our nations, family, etc. Yet at the same time it felt that the parting with our beloved participants, now alumni and friends of MTI, was the beginning of something even greater ahead, and the 2 weeks of soaking together in the presence of God was just a glimpse of the great work of the Lord yet to come.

I was truly delighted to see many alumni coming this year and to hear them share how it has been for the past year. Some I barely remember, some I have anticipated their coming and so glad to see them arrive safely, but all in all it was a joyous time fellowshiping with all of the participants.

I realised that I have come to a level of commitment that I undertsood there were just so much that we could give. I realised that sometimes we can feel so tired in our bodies and even our soul, and we tell God, O Lord, I have given so much already... Whether it's in our service to Him, in giving to the Lord, in any sense, from the amount that we have given, we could actually give yet more to the Lord. There are still so much that we hold on to, and the Lord always wants us to give Him our all.

Yea, I know it sounds very unreasonable, like God is so unfair, why He always want to strip us and rid us of everything of our own, until we have nothing left. Well, seeing that He owns us and our lives, doesn't He also own everything of us? Then why does He still wants us to lay down our lives for Him? That's because He owns us, but He doesn't own our freewill. And He wants us to love Him with all of us, because that's how He loves us -- He gave us Himself, all of it.

I think this realisation and understanding came when I had to constantly told myself that it wasn't because of my talents or skills or anything of myself that I'm qualified to serve Him. It was purely because of His great grace. It was because of Him and for Him. I had to constantly pray that "God, when I'm playing the keyboards, let them not see me, but that they would see You and only You." This was because by His grace, the Holy Spirit had touched many people through the worship team.

There were times I remembered that my fingers were trembling as they moved across the keyboard. Those were the times when I felt that I didn't know where my fingers should go next; my mind was blank, but there was that faithful input of a tune from the Holy Spirit, and it was more than enough.

The one thing that I remembered most clearly was during the final day of the program on Friday oct 31. The participants all gathered together and a representative from each nation came forward to pray and bless Pr. David, Pr. Gloria and the whole team in their own national language. The presence of God was immediately so evidently strong as soon as we started to pray in the Spirit, and stronger still as each took the mic to pray in their national language. Of course, we understood very little of what they were all praying, but it was really awesome to hear people pray in Aramic, Tamil, African dialects, Filipino dialect, English and etc.

But it was when our fellow Malaysian participant started to pray that I had tears in my eyes and my heart so touched by the presence of God. When she started praying in Bahasa Malaysia, I could feel such a heat over my head, a heat that comes from above and only on my head and not my body. I knew immediately that was the kabod presence of God, though I have never experienced it this way before.

Seldom do we actually pray in BM because we are so used to conducting everything in English or Mandarin or a Chinese dialect. And I understood that whenever we sing or pray in BM, it brings us to a higher level of experiencing Him, especially in the area of praying for revival for our nation. I realised that when we lift up His name in BM, there's always an uncontested reverence, an unfathomable awesomeness in the air that meant that He is THE LORD of Malaysia and nothing would stand against it.

I believe He still has great things in stored for us, for our church, for this nation and the nations that had come by His call. And though this might be just the beginning of a huge outpouring, I think it's not a slow movement or a process that would take long to complete, but we all know in deep in our hearts that nothing will hinder it from being accomplished, for the Word of the Lord shall not return to Him void. Amen.