New Year's Eve

It's the last day of the year, 5 hours and counting and it will be over. I should have written this a few days, or even a few weeks ago, but well, at least I still have one last post for 2010.

I thought I would be celebrating the coming of 2011 with all joy and anticipation; part of me still wants to, but there has been a lot of happenings lately that made me want to hold on to 2010 even more. December always passes with doubled speed -- both in a good and bad way. And 2010, well, it's been a fast-slow year, if you know what I mean. I look back and I want to say I have no regrets. Or at least at this moment I'm not regretful of anything. Achievements, aplenty; setbacks, bound to be there; but what's more important and will always be is the promise that God is there through it all.

There are things that happened recently that I can't write it here, but suffice it to say that it totally challenged and revolutionised my perspective about many things. Okay, maybe I'm not at the point of being revolutionised yet, but challenged, definitely. How challenged? Well, when all that you know and all that you're passionate about and all that you believe in becomes irrelevant to the people around you and to the world. When it dawns upon you that what you've been doing and the cause you've been fighting for doesn't mean anything to the people that you're fighting for. When you begin to realise that you're a wretched self-righteous hypocrite who can't represent the Saviour you love. When you look at Jesus' life and you desperately ask Him, "Lord, how did you do it? How will I ever reach there?" When you looked at the people around you and you realised you're equally in need of the love of Jesus, but you're still snobbishly living in denial, thinking that you're 'holier than thou'. This is how I defined 'challenged'.

I guess when I wrote the post on Christianity is controversial, this is what I really mean. I guess it now gives me a new meaning, or more like, a new question, a new quest to overcome. Jesus said that we will do the things that He did, and greater things than these we will do. But Lord, may you give us the grace to do them, because we can't do it by ourselves, we are nothing.

I've never written a new year resolution or thought of it as early as this time. I have written it at the beginning of the month, and almost forgotten about it, but I know what I wanted to do at heart. I knew that greater things are going to come, but I need to be ready for them; my heart needs to be ready. Yet, at this point, being 'challenged', I have much to lay down, plentiful to crucify and emotions to reconcile. And I don't know how, only that Lord, I need You.

If I get to make a New Year's wish, or if there was ever such a thing, it would be to have Your assurance that You are with me, and You will guide me to do the right things, say the right words, make the right decisions. Would You show me more? I need desperately You, Jesus...

And Lord, 2011 is for You, Your glory, Your Honour, Your praise. I love You.