The Week-Long Gap

It's been exactly a week since my last post, and before that was one full week away from KL. My first thought of coming back was: it all seems so foreign to me. Even my apartment, my room, my bed... Nothing has changed, but somehow nothing's the same anymore.

To those who have so vigorously supported me, cared and loved me during this challenging time in my life, just want to extend my deepest gratitude and thanks to you all. Sometimes I feel like it's pretty challenging for you people around me too, because I know you don't really know what to say or do to comfort me. But I really thank you for those of you who have come all the way to Ipoh to visit me and my family (Karen & Joanne), along with WHC's love gift for us, plus lots of regards sent by various people; those who have sat by my side, listening to me talking without looking at you; those who have heard me cry with silent streams or huge gush of tears; those who kept hugging me; those who kept asking if I'm ok... I truly appreciate all of these.

Above all, I really want to thank God.

There are times when we go through the valley of the shadow of death, and we turn left and right but there's only darkness surrounding. There are times when we're so laden with guilt, angry with ourselves, desperate but at the same time despair, and we've given up ourselves. There are times we just kept on asking questions that we know we would never find the answers or understand it even if we'd asked the same questions for the rest of our lives. There are times people can care so much but there's just no way they can truly fully understand us. There are times when you wish you could just pour out your heart and tell another human being what's going on inside your heart and mind; you open your mouth but no words come out, only never ceasing flow of tears. There are times when you feel so trapped and confused, everything around you seems surreal. There are times when it seems like you're having a very long nightmare and you wish at every passing second that you would just wake up from it and everything is ok, but at the same time you consciously or subconsciously know that this nightmare is in fact reality, it's happening and there's no turning back. There are times you wondered why some people died and become more popular than they were alive, while some people died and become a statistic that only a handful of others would remember. There are times you wondered whether things will ever be back to normal, or when will it be, or how long would it take... There are times you desperately want to come out of that emotional ditch, you appeared to be strong, you tried to drown yourself with work, you tried hard not to think, you occupied yourself with many other things, but it's in the silence of the night that thoughts come back and haunt you. And you're once again back in that emotional ditch of quicksand, hanging on dearly to a very thin branchstick, hoping against hope that it won't snap or you will go down. There are times when you really doubted on the authenticity of what you've believed in, or how much your belief would matter now...

At these times, Lord, it was You who have never left me. It was You would held me in Your arms, when I was helpless, when I couldn't respond, when perhaps I'm not even aware that You are holding me. It was You that I needed the most, that I couldn't live without. It was You, Jesus...

And though it's been two Sundays that I've been away, though the surroundings may seem so awkward, though I feel the loss, but I know that I'm certainly not lost. Everything that You have taught me and deposited in my life, it's right there in my heart and soul; I don't lack anything, because You have given me Your all. You said this day, "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." You showed me that You are my Prince, I can lean on You. And You painted the Rainbow again, to say that I am always Your covenanted child...

Jesus, I love You.